The Perfectly Regular at Magic High School
by Thedude3445
Summary: I have never seen this show, ever, and I never plan to. But I'm going to write a story making fun of it based purely on what I know about it from other people. I hope it is as inaccurate as I think it is.
1. Chapter 1: Going to School

The Perfectly Regular at Magic High School - Chapter One

Thedude3445

Max Rakuyama walked along the cherry blossoms and the sleek white buildings surrounding his path to Magic High School with a smile on his face. It was his first day at school, this beautiful, crisp April morning, and he was going to make the most of everything that was going to be presented towards him.

He had dreams he wanted to accomplish these next three years. He was only sixteen, but he was not going to let his youth stop him from achieving everything he wanted to do. The only thing that could limit himself was his own skill.

There were students all over the place, hustling and bustling about, talking and chattering around; prancing and dancing abounded. Max didn't want to talk to anyone else, because his own head was filled with his dreams, and he did not want anyone to erase those dreams before he could see them through.

He found his classroom, and saw his seat, which was the second seat from the back, next to the window. He sat down, put his bag under his desk, and smiled. He was happier than anyone else at Magic High School could ever be, and he knew that he was the only one who could let himself be less happy. It was all inside his mind.

Max was the first one into the classroom, but soon after, the other students began walking into the classroom; everyone wore that same white-and-green uniform, but everyone also had weird, unrealistic hairstyles and strange hair colors. This… didn't really make that much sense. Was there no dress code for hair, when there was a very strict regulation for clothes? Max kind of felt a little inadequate about his relatively plain appearance, in comparison to everyone else. Some girl with green hair and drills sat to his right, and almost completely ignored his existence.

But he wouldn't let any of these people affect his current level of happiness. He was more pleased with his current situation in life than most anyone could ever imagine, and only he could control how he felt about any given event. He decided he would be happy.

And just as his optimism set in, he saw a tall teenage boy with an extremely plain appearance and normal, jet-black hair walk in and sit one seat behind Max. He set his bags down, and then stood up to greet Max.

"Hello," he said, bowing. "My name is Gary Suzuki. Nice to meet you." Max stood up, bowed, and said likewise. He was glad that at least two people were normal.

The teacher walked into the classroom and everyone did their normal classroom stuff, bowing and whatever. The teacher seemed much stranger than usual. Were the teachers at Magic High School simply more intense than the ones at Magic Middle School? Probably, because high school was where all the cool magic battles and swordfights happened.

"Welcome to Magic High School," said the teacher. "My name is Teacher Sensei. I would like to congratulate all of you for arriving here and getting high enough scores in the grueling entrance exams that cause so much anxiety and stress in young Japanese students that it ends up feeding them into the equally-stressful workplace and an equally-time-obliterating adulthood that ruins their lives, leaving them isolated and detached from their personal lives, pushing many of them into a life of work and nothing but, and destroying the Japanese family unit, continuing the decline of our population that cannot be reversed through the influx of immigrants like it can in countries in Europe, because of our xenophobic attitudes towards most other countries throughout the world. You did a very good job."

The teacher wrote his name, Teacher Sensei, on the holographic chalkboard, with some holographic chalk. "Okay, so I am your homeroom teacher, and I hope you do good in school and stuff. As you know, Magic High School is all about doing good. We have magic tournaments, magic clubs, and magic tests. Don't forget, though, that we have an extremely competitive ranking system, wherein students are challenged to best each other in all realms of magic, including duels and rap-offs, though these magical contests are mainly only important as bragging rights because each college or university that you would want to apply to has its own rigorous requirements and examinations, and your performance in high school barely actually matters besides that piece of paper stating that you graduated from high school in the end, letting you go to wherever you are accepted. Hopefully you will try to get the best rank!"

Teacher Sensei pointed at a student in the middle of the second row and made her stand up. She had bright red hair, and looked like the type of person to be extremely rude and abrasive at first, but revealed a much softer side once you got to know her. Max did not plan on getting to know her, so that he could keep his pleasant mood throughout his high school life. The teacher smiled at this redhead. "Look here at Mari Suika. She is the Number One Ranked Student at Magic High School, even as a first-year student! She is the best example of a student ever. Please look up to her, and challenge her if you want to do well in life." Max was unsure of what exactly Teacher Sensei was talking about at this point, but he tried to ignore the confusion and continued on with his smiling days.

A few students clapped, and then Mari sat down. Before Teacher Sensei could continue, though, that Gary guy from earlier stood up and pointed at him. "I am going to be the number-one student here at Magic High School! All of you are losers and delinquents, but I am going to defeat all of you and rank up!" He sat down. Nobody clapped, and the teacher tried to pretend nothing happened. Mari glared at him.

Max turned around and looked at Gary, whose face was burning red. The poor guy was fuming, for whatever reason. "Why did you do that?" Max asked. He knew that it was better not to be involved, so that he could continue on with his happy existence, but his curiosity got the better of him, especially when it involved such a nice guy like Gary.

"It was a statement that I had to make beforehand," Gary said. "So that when I am ranked number-one, everyone will know who I am and remember this first moment that I introduced myself. They will look back with bittersweet memories, knowing that they could have prevented my rise, but didn't."

"Uh, okay." Max turned back around to face the teacher, but… then he faced Gary again. "You know, Gary… You are very irregular."

"Hmm…" Gary put his hand on his chin, and smirked. "Maybe you're right. I am a very irregular student. Maybe that should be my calling card."

"Maybe!" Max laughed. And now he began listening to the teacher's introductory lectures for real this time.

He was somewhat concerned for this Gary fellow's quest to become the best, especially when his main opponent, Mari, was sitting just a few seats over, but he decided that he needn't let this concern him. His life was going to be a good one, and he was going to fulfill his dreams and have a very good experience at Magic High School.

Though… hopefully Gary had a good experience too.


	2. Chapter 2: Sports Day

Chapter 2

It was gym time, and Max had dressed in his all-new gym outfit. It was really small and tight and showed off a lot more skin than he really wanted anyone else to see. But he had to do it regardless, because he wanted to feel good about himself, and he would do that by accomplishing great athletic feats, such as running a nine-minute mile or winning a soccer game for his team.

However, as he walked outside to the track and field to join the other students in his class, he realized that he was not going to the typical gym class in a typical high school. No, this was a MAGIC high school.

Gary was already standing in the grass, doing stretches. Normal stretches, of course, rather than magical ones, because the concept of a magical stretch was baffling and nearly incomprehensible. If you know what a magical stretch is, could you please tell me, the author, Thedude3445, so that I can amend this logical ignorance later?

"How is it hanging, Mr. Irregular?" asked Max.

"I've been training my entire life for this event," Gary said, ignoring Max's cutesy nickname-calling. "I will stand in nobody's way, because I will be so far above the rest that there is no way any of them could ever reach me."

"Okay."  
The gym teacher walked up to the class and blew a really loud whistle. She was also wearing a referee's outfit, with an umpire's mask on, and a lacrosse stick in her hand. "Alright, maggots!" she shouted like a drill sergeant. "We're going to begin our first Magical Field Day, and you'd better listen up about it!" Everyone stiffened their posture for some reason. "I'm dividing all of you into two teams. Red team and Blue team. And you will attack each other until all the members on one of the teams is unconscious or otherwise incapacitated. Is this instruction clear?"

"Sir yes sir!" Everyone shouted in unison, except for Gary, who was still stretching.

"Then let's go!"

Glowing magical orbs, either red or blue, appeared above everyone's head, instantly designating which team they were on. Max looked up, and saw a red dot. He glanced over and saw that Gary's was also red. "Whew," he said. "I was worried we-"

A magical fireball slammed into the side of Max's face, knocking him off his feet and onto the ground. Apparently, the fight had already begun, mere seconds after the teams were chosen. He didn't even have enough time to react, let alone to summon his magical powers and get ready to fight.

Alas… his defenses also weren't exactly the greatest, and therefore he was unable to get back up… He was already fading into unconsciousness after one blow… Well, at least it was still the first week of school…

* * *

Max woke up suddenly, and at first, his vision was blurry. What happened? Where was he? Everything cleared up, and he realized he was still on the field, where he was knocked out earlier. How long it had been, he didn't know, but he saw that most of the other people on the field were also knocked out or lying on the ground. The glowing orb above his head was now green, which apparently meant that he was no longer a combatant in the game.

There were a few people on blue team left, but only one person on red team- Gary. He was fighting with all his might, blasting away blows and cutting off clashes, and didn't even seem to have broken a sweat yet.

"Go Gary!" Max shouted. He realized the folly in his action as soon as the words left his throat, though; Gary turned, and was hit in the back by one of his opponents. But he wasn't deterred; he swung back around and took out two blue team members in one dash of kick!

Now there were only two people still left in the field who were still able to fight- Gary, of course, and Mari Suika as well, who, as the number one student in the class, was expected to have easily been the champion of the entire battle.

"You can't beat me, Gary!" Mari said. "I'm the leader of the bunch! You know me well! I'm finally back, to see you fail!"

"Well," Gary said. "My magic can fire in spurts. If I shoot you, it's gonna hurt."

After this somewhat nonsensical exchange, Gary sent a huge blast of ambiguously-pink magic energy and sent Mari flying into the sky, so far away that she disappeared into a twinkle like Team Rocket when they get blasted off.

"I win," Gary said.

The red team huddled around him and cheered. "We win!" everyone cheered in unison.

Max started to reevaluate his position on Gary. While he was certainly a very irregular individual, he was also a pretty darn cool guy. Maybe being friends with him wouldn't ruin his ideal high school dreams… maybe they would even help him accomplish them!


	3. Chapter 3: Stories

Chapter 3

Max, Gary, and Mari stood in front of Principal Merlin's desk, hands at their sides, bowing incessantly. Principal Merlin let it happen for two or three minutes before he slammed his fist on the desk and stood up himself.

"I want the three of you to tell me what happened today during school," Principal Merlin said, keeping his voice low and relatively calm. "Please, one at a time. I would very much like to hear your explanation."

Max raised his hand. "Uh, I think there's a very rational explanation for all of this…"

"I don't care about rationality," Principal Merlin said. "I want answers, and I don't think you will give them to me." He pointed at Gary. "You. You are known as the 'Irregular', which should indicate that you know more about the situation than the others. I want your version of the events."

Gary smirked. "You want my version of the day? Well then, I'll give them to you. Because they're the right version of events."

"Do tell."

And so he did:

* * *

Gary was walking down the hall one Tuesday morning, when he bumped into a short girl with long, flowing black hair. He instantly recognized who she was, and his mouth started to water as a reflex.

"Mary," he said.

"Gary," she said.

"It's been a while," he said.

"It certainly has," she said.

They passionately embraced in a very tight hug. Gary and Mary were finally together again. The Suzuki family was reunited, after almost a year apart.

"But… why are you here at Magic High School?" Gary asked. "You're still in your third year of middle school!"

"Well," Mary began. "I skipped a grade. And now I'm here with you, Onii-chan."

"That's…" Gary paused. "That's so amazing. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wanted to surprise you."

Gary charged at Mary to embrace her with all of the energies he had at his disposal, but then-

"GARY! IT'S TIME FOR A REMATCH!" Mari stood there, magical flaming sword drawn, pointing at Gary. Her twintails were also on fire and were floating in midair, as if the wind had levitated them from their sitting positions.

Gary pointed at his sister. "Can't you see, I'm busy with some perfectly regular things right now?"

"..." Mary lowered her sword for a moment. And then she raised it back into the air. "My time will not be wasted by you! It will be well-served, with a side of payback and restored honor as the pre-dessert course!" She charged at him and began swinging wildly.

At this point, Gary had no choice but to fall into fighting. He blocked the sword swings with his magical force field abilities, but he did not return any blows, not yet. He had to make sure that Mary had cleared the premises so that he could fight without risking anything happening to her. Mary was strong, smart, and good at everything she did, but she was no match for the powers that Gary was about to unleash.

Gary decided to end this battle at once. He sent out a blast of magical energy, known by his peers as a magi-blast, and pummeled Mari into the wall. She was knocked unconscious. He walked up to her and picked her up, setting her back on her feet.

"There you go," he said. "It's all good."

She seemed a little dizzy- And then she roundhouse kicked Gary into the wall, exactly where he had slammed Mari. "IT'S NEVER ALL GOOD!"

Their fight continued for the next three hours, and by the end, the hallways were completely destroyed.

* * *

"That all seems completely plausible," said Principal Merlin. "And very irregular."

"Well, it's not!" Mari said. "That isn't what happened at all."

"I don't believe you."

"Well, I'll tell you right now, and then you'll believe me."

Mari stared at Gary and began to tell her tale:

* * *

Mari was minding her own business, mostly because there wasn't too much business she needed to mind this day. She felt great; she was making good grades, her girlfriend was going to take her out on a really nice date this weekend, and she got a great night of sleep. Sure, she was still only second in the class because of Gary Suzuki, but with how many extracurricular activities she was currently in, she was certain to get into some of the best Magic Colleges around, while Gary was going to be lucky to get into Tokyo Magic University, let alone anything truly prestigious.

And then that was when Mari saw Gary. He was standing next to a girl with the same sleek black hair and sharp face as him, only a head shorter. Gary noticed Mari and charged at him, seemingly with all the energies he could muster. He pulled out his magi-gun and pointed it right at Mari's head.

"Is… Is this some sort of prank?" Mari asked.

"No." Gary laughed into the air, putting his free hand into his hair. "You don't get it, do you!? I'm about to take you out, so that I can permanently remain the top student in our class!"

"I don't think so." Mari kicked Gary's magi-gun into the air, and, using her magic spells, summoned a magical flaming sword to combat him with. "If it's a fight you want, it's a fight that I'll give you, no matter how reluctant I am to give much of anything to you. You should be lucky I am in such a good mood."

"AAAAAAA!" Gary caught his magi-gun and began firing off wildly. It was kind of insane. Mari could barely block every shot- though, of course, she did block every shot.

Their fight continued for the next three hours, and by the end, the hallways were completely destroyed.

* * *

"Uh, well then." Principal Merlin rubbed his bearded chin. "I… will discuss this with you later. You're dismissed for now." The three of them stood up to leave. "Oh, not you, Mr. Rakuyama. I need you for a moment." Max sat back down, and they waited for Mari and Gary to leave.

"What, exactly, is the rational explanation for all this?" Principal Merlin asked.

"Uhh… It's really simple, honestly."

"Then I want to know."

Max took a breath, and gave his version of the story:

* * *

Max was late for school again! He hadn't even been able to finish his toast before he got there, because he had to dart out of his home at top speeds!

But he was finally there, now… Whew… He probably should have taken the magi-train but he thought it'd be faster to run, since it was only two stops away. He was wrong about that thought.

He entered the school and started towards his classroom, when he saw a very strange sight. Gary was kissing some girl! And it wasn't just any kissing, either. They were all into it, right in the middle of the hallway. This seemed completely out of place in the middle of a Japanese high school, even Magic High School where everything was slightly less strict than a normal Japanese high school because of the vague cultural differences.

"Hey, Gary!" Max shouted. Gary pulled away quickly, leaving the other girl to her own devices. Gary walked up to Max.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Who was that there? Do you have a girlfriend?" Max asked.

"That was my sister Mary. I haven't seen her in ages, so I was greeting her."

"Oh." It… must have been an Osaka thing, Max guessed. Very irregular indeed.

"Now, if that's all," Gary began. "I guess I will be on my way to class, since I need to get on my activities for the day to once again prove that I am the best student in the entire school." He turned around, walking away from Max and-

Gary bumped into Mari, hitting her on the forehead and knocking them both to the floor. They both stood up at once, glaring at each other.

"Why'd you do that?!" Mari shouted.

"Me? That was you!" Gary shouted in return.

"You need to watch where you're going!"

Mari and Gary pulled out their weapons in tandem and began fighting. Gary's sister was hit by a stray blast and knocked to the floor.

Their fight continued for the next three hours, and by the end, the hallways were completely destroyed.

* * *

"Sounds fake," Principal Merlin said.

"Well, even if it's fake, it's the fake that I accept as real," Max said. "We may never know who's right, but at least we were all able to confess what we believe, right?"

"I guess so. Now get out of here. Scram."

Max left the office.


	4. Chapter 4: The Grand Tournament?

Chapter 4

"There's signups for the Grand Tournament," Max told Gary as they stood out in the hallway, looking at the bulletin board next to their Magitech Development 101 class. "Are you going to do it, Gary? I know you're the very strongest person in all of our Magic High School and that you have already defeated anyone else that could possibly pose you any sort of threat in a tournament like this, but don't you think it would be fun to try and see if you could potentially win this and bring home yet another trophy?"

"Hmm..." Gary seemed to be considering this for a moment. "I'm not quite sure, Max," he said. "There's opponents from all the neighboring schools, like Mystic Tech and Illusion Academy, right?"

"I think so," he replied.

"Well then, I guess that's why I need to sign up!" Gary clenched his fist and fire spewed up in the background behind him. Everyone in the hallway started freaking out until a water magician put it out. "My apologies."

"Maybe I should sign up, too," Max said to himself. "I would never do nearly as well as Gary Suzuki, seeing as I am the most perfectly regular here at Magic High School, but it might be a fun way to test my magic powers, and hey, maybe I could do better than I thought I would under any other circumstances."

"What did you say?" Gary asked.

"Nothing."

"All right then," Gary said, marking his name on the signup sheet. "I'm going to win yet another tournament with my magic abilities. I'll start training immediately... Though for tonight, I'm taking my sister Mary out on a date. We're going to watch the movie _Transcendence_ , which is the latest American movie to hit our Japanese shores in this year of 2014. I heard it is really good, and Mary really wants to watch it, so I am going to take her and buy all of her food for her because I love her."

"Yeah, it sounds like you do."

"Then afterwards, we are going to have anniversary sex, because it is the anniversary of the first time we became boyfriend and girlfriend."

"That sounds exciting," Max said.


	5. Chapter 5: Training

Perfectly Regular at Magic High School

Chapter 5

Thedude3445

Gary's fire magic was weaker than usual, Max noticed as they sparred, training for the Grand Tournament, only three weeks away.

"Are you okay?" Max asked. Gary started wobbling on his feet, and almost collapsed, but Max caught him as he fell forward.

Their faces were now extremely close to one another. Max gulped, trying as hard as he could not to blush. They were friends after all. and this series was pandering trash to teenage boys, not teenage girls! They couldn't... Oh my.

Max quickly pushed Gary away, who promptly fell over on the grass. "Oops," Max said.

Gary got up with a groan. "I'm okay, I'm okay."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

Gary shook his head fiercely to joggle himself awake, seemingly. "I feel so drained lately. I think I'm pushing myself too hard."

"Maybe. It's not like you're going to lose this tournament, anyway."

"True."

"I think you just need some sleep. Too much sex, I presume?"

"Loads. I'd describe it in more detail, but the readers are like, twelve or something, aren't they?"

"Yeah, that's probably breaking some laws if you do."

"Anyway, want to grab a- Wait, why are we speaking English?"

「何話しているの？」

「何も。ハンバーガーでも食べようか？」

「うん。俺たちは、後で練習できる。今、行こう。」

「行こう！」

だから、行った。


	6. Chapter 6: 友達だから…

Chapter 6

あの日。

あのまだ練習していた日。

「ゲリー、どう考える？」

「何？」

マクスは友達のゲリーの恐れ入る顔を見て、心配した。どんな誤解があると思った。

「マクス、俺大丈夫だ。俺はゲリーだからね。」

「ゲリー…」

「ダイジョブって言っただろう！」

言うまでもなった。

ゲリーは絶対にに大丈夫じゃなかった。

マクスはただゲリーが気が動転することを見たくなかったから、諦めなかった。

「ゲリー、打ち明けてくれ。僕はお前の友達だから！」

「メリーは…俺と…破局をしたんだ。」

「そうだ。」

マクスは急に心がぺリぺリし始めた。

彼のチャンスだった。

ゲリーに、「破鏡再び照らさず。」と言った。

ゲリーは急にマクスのハンサムさと気付いた。

あの日。

マクスとゲリー…

この二人の青年…

あの愛が開ける日。

さんざんいちゃいちゃした。


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